life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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