Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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