Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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