My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
