How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
