The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
