i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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