Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
