so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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