So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
