It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
