highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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