Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
