You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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