everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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