Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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