My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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