I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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