Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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