i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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