Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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