We're facebook friends in real life
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
