I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
