Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
