The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize