yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
