K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
