I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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