i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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