Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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