my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
