I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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