...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
