I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
