I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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