I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
