his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
