So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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