i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
