everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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