I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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