I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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