when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
