I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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