Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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