Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
