Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
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One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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