Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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