I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
