i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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