I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The air was thick with penises
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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