It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
