member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
