Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
