Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
