i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
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What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize