Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
