My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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