This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
