I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
